Me 50% of the time: I love to run. Green beans are amazing. Who needs cake when I can have strawberries. PROTEIN. Oh my god peanut butter. I have so much energy! This is my fourth bottle of water today. I love being healthy.
Me the other 50% of the time: I want to sleep for 6 years. When did my bed become heaven. Why did I eat 3 twinkies. I'm too lazy to put on a bra. Being a girl sucks. I don't feel like exercising. My thighs are giant. I hate moving.
help me i can’t stop laughing at this
Imagine him just hanging out in the prefect baths and popping his head out at weird times
"Wubba lubba dub dub” he roars at Cedric Diggory’s exposed genitals
Cedric is stoic. Cedric is always stoic.
Eric what the honest to goodness fuck
Okay. I’ll admit it. I’m a basic bitch.
So what if I like the feel of hot, pumpkin spice coffee wrapped around my hands. Yeah, you like my nail polish? It’s Essie in “Take it Outside.” That’s taupe with pink undertones, motherfucker. I got bottles of em in 30 shades of gray, cranberry, wine, merlot, a different kind of cranberry. They are all puns. What of it? Don’t you like the beautiful nuances of the English language? The word trickery that this celestial landscape can paint?
Hold on, I’m going to Instagram my coffee. So what? I have great boots on. You can see the coffee cup and the boots at the same time. I think it’s an aesthetically pleasing picture and I want the people in my life to see it. Why do you fucking care? Why do you care that I like my coffee like I like Idris Elba: covered in artificial pumpkin and in my mouth?
And yeah, it’s fall and I’m happy about it. Fall is great. I like leaves and a slight chill. I happen to really enjoy jacket weather. I have a lot of great jackets. Sorrrrrrry I’m not sitting in a puddle of my own tears crying because summer is over and I can’t go eat a tomato corn dog or whatever.
Also sooo sorry I’m taking my hard-earned cash to go and buy a candle that smells like a MARSHMALLOW so I can have a MARSHMALLOW HOUSE and watch HOCUS POCUS IN IT. Oh! Sorry NOT SORRY. I thoroughly enjoy my marsh house and my tea with lemon and my comfy sweatshirts from V Secret.
Okay, you’re really gonna come at me because I like yoga pants? Do you know—do you know how COMFORTABLE yoga pants are? Putting them on is like being swaddled like a little baby, except as a baby you never noticed how good my ass looks in yoga pants. My ass looks absolutely incredible in yoga pants. And don’t get me started on my tummy fat—it’s like it’s not even there.
What’s it to you that I’m going to brunch? I happen to really enjoy eggs. I don’t care what you do with them. Put some goat cheese on that bitch if you nasty. Put some hollandaise sauce on there, too. Funnel me a mouthful of bloody mary’s and a spin class. It’s Sunday and I’m alive.
Yes, that’s almost a Lena Dunham quote.
Yes, I drink red wine. It has heart healthy benefits, you uncultured toad.
Yes, I listen to pop music and I’ve liked a few old pics of Marilyn Monroe because I respected her as a comedienne. Yes, I like truffles. Leave me alone! All kinds of truffles! Ground ones and Godiva ones! Leave me alone! I want to enjoy my shows and things without you hassling me! I’m not basic! I’m a real human being with varied emotions and complicated energy and all kinds of hobbies!
So come on, call me a basic bitch. Come at me, bro. I’ll be over here, enjoying my blowdried hair and puttin blueberry muffin recipes on pinterest.
You blueberryless motherfucker.
BLESS THIS POST!!!
i want a show called Man Vs. Wilde where someone is put in the jungle with oscar wilde and has to survive not only the elements but also wilde’s random attacks and massive ego
Mann vs. Wilde.
Thomas Mann’s pretensiousness and sexual repression vs. Oscar Wilde’s sarcasm and blatant queerness.
Give it to me.
the most fucked up thing is that
one of the most
i’ve heard in the longest time, and the result? the result from these men who claim that they would be all for feminism if it weren’t for all “the man hating”?
do not be fooled for one fucking second
you can be as kind, calm, attractive and male inclusive as they demand for our voices to matter and the result is the same.
these people do not hate feminism because it “hates men”, these people have historically and to this day hated feminism because it’s purpose will result in the taking away of their power.
This isn’t a fucking competition Legolas
Any time anyone says Tolkien isn’t funny, I bring up this scene.
To put it in context, Aragorn is a ridiculously good tracker. He had just been literally lying flat on his belly on the ground, his ear pressed to the dirt, so he could listen for footsteps of the army that was way, way out of sight. We’re talking miles away, here. Aragorn was listening to the ground. And from that, he figured out that there were a lot of riders, on hecka fast horses, heading right towards them, with the intention of fucking their shit up. Pretty badass, right?
Cue Legolas, a.k.a. You Little Shit. Legolas is an elf. His eyesight and hearing is ridiculously good. Like, it puts any human’s to shame.
He literally let Aragorn lie there on the ground and strain to hear footsteps in the distance for no reason. And when Aragorn got up, the little shit drove the point home by saying “Oh yeah, I see them, I’ve seen them this whole time, there’s a hundred and five of them, oh yeah and they’re all blonde and they’re carrying spears nbd”
Cue Aragorn gritting his teeth in frustration and Legolas smirking like the sassy pointy-eared fuck that he is.
This may actually be my favorite part of LOTR okay